11 nov: Coronisch Tijdperk XI: BEET

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“Waar is mijn snoep?” brengt de jongste slaapdronken uit. Ik heb haar net nog een kus gebracht. Ik weet dat ik haar uit een diepe slaap haal, maar het MOET van haar, dus ik doe het, zij het met tegenzin. Woensdag 11 november is bijna voorbij en ik ben intens moe van de dag. Niet omdat ik meegelopen heb met Sint Maarten, want dat heb ik voor ’t eerst sinds – pak ‘m beet – tien jaar niet gedaan. De jongste liep zelf met een buurmeisje. Op z’n Coronisch natuurlijk, want Gemeente Amsterdam heeft er zelfs een omstreden spruitjescampagne op losgelaten om het leuren aan deuren te ontmoedigen. Hofkindjes liepen daarom in kleine clubjes langs de Hofhuizen die zich daarvoor hadden ‘opgegeven’. Dat kon via de Sint Maarten Hofappgroep die speciaal daartoe was opgezet om deze logistiek nauwkeurig te administreren.
Appgroepjes ploppen als paddenstoelen uit de grond. Wel zo makkelijk, al word ik soms horendol van de hoeveelheid en de verscheidenheid. Jammer toch dat al het handige, het goede, het slimme en het fijne op den duur ook een keerzijde heeft.

Ook aan onze hondjes zit een keerzijde. M en ik stapten ‘s ochtends klokslag negen de deur binnen van een afspraak in Zuid, toen mijn telefoon ging: de middelste. Ik nam op. Al wat ik hoorde was een geluid dat ik niet kon thuisbrengen. Het was hoog als een sirene, instabiel en vreselijk hard. Ineens was het duidelijk. Gehuil. Niet zomaar gehuil, hysterisch gehuil. Onze dertienjarige. Totaal overstuur. Ze kon niet meer normaal praten, pas bij de derde poging begreep ik wat er aan de hand was. Hond Ralfy had haar gebeten. Hard gebeten. Ze weet van zijn gebruiksaanwijzing. Maar ze was eigenwijs. Ze had willen knuffelen met hem. Maar hij duidelijk niet met haar.

Ze huilde hysterisch, ze bloedde en ze was alleen. Wij, haar ouders, waren minstens een half uur van haar verwijderd. “Rustig H…. rustig maar. Rustig, het komt goed,” hoop ik hardop. (Wat nu, denk ik, wat nu??) “Wijffie, ga naar eh… de eh… gangkast, (M: “de meterkast”) Ja, ga naar de meterkast, ja… oké, pak de verbanddoos… heb je de verbanddoos?…Oké, daarin zit dat bruine spul lieverd, (M: “Dat zit er niet in” Ik: “Dat zit er wel in!”) en dan pak je dat flesje met het roodbruine spul. Betadine. Heb je dat? Oké, dan moet je even wat watten uit de doos pakken (“K.. die liggen er misschien niet in!”) Wc-papier! Is ook goed! Pak je wat wc-papier en dan doe je daar de Betadine op. Lukt dat?” (Mijn god, die onmacht.) “H, ik wil je even zien, dus ik hang nu op en dan bel ik je even terug via WhatsApp, goed?” Ik bel en ik zie haar, mijn arme kind, met bebloed gezicht, met betraand gezicht. Met een hoop wc-papier voor haar mond. Ik vraag haar de prop weg te halen. En dan zie we ‘t; twee gaten met bijna symmetrische precisie. Twee gaten in haar onderlip.

Bij thuiskomst vinden we een huis in rust met een meisje verslagen op de bank. Ik zie de verbanddoos open, de Betadinefles open en een paar bruinrode proppen wc-papier. Tegen haar wang houdt ze een theedoek met daarin een zak diepvriesfruit, waarmee ze zo graag smoothies maakt. De honden – en al helemaal de boosdoener – kijken ons welgezind en sereen aan. Denk je dat je kind veilig en wel thuisonderwijs heeft om ‘het Kwaad’ te omzeilen, blijkt ‘het Kwaad’ ineens gewoon bij je thuis te zijn. En te kwispelen naar je.
“Hoe ga ik de buitenwereld dit nou vertellen?” denk ik bij mezelf. Wie gaat nu nog geloven hoe leuk jullie zijn, hoe lief en goedaardig? “Wanneer wordt-ie ingeslapen?” gaan ze vragen. “Wanneer doe je ‘m weg?”

De gaten in H. d’r onderlip zien er in het echt nog veel indrukwekkender uit. Ik bel de huisarts. De assistent heeft binnen tien minuten een plek voor ons geregeld. Ze kan zelf nog fietsen, mijn stoere dochter.

De gemondkapte arts is blij met al het bloed dat heeft gevloeid. Blijheid is besmettelijk. Bloed is goed, prent ik me in. Ik probeer waarderend naar de schone gaten in de onderlip te kijken. Over het dichten ervan is ze heel gedecideerd: “Daar ga ik niet aan zitten, dat besteed ik uit. Ik denk aan het OLVG. Of hebben jullie voorkeuren voor elders?” Ik knipper met mijn ogen en piep vanachter mijn mondkapje dat wij ervaringsloos zijn op het gebied van plastische chirurgie.

Niet veel later fietsen we naar het OLVG. In Oost, dus we hoeven niet ver. Maar ver genoeg om aangestaard te worden. Arme, lieve Dracula-dochter.

We parkeren onze fietsen bij de spoedeisende hulp waar een lege wachtruimte op ons wacht. Ik wil naast haar zitten wat eigenlijk niet kan, omdat de meeste stoelen Coronisch onzitbaar zijn gemaakt.  Brede riemen zijn strak over de stoelen gespannen. Koppig wurm ik me naast haar, waardoor mijn ene bil op zo’n riem belandt en mijn knieën in haar benen steken. Dit gaat niet over comfort, anderhalve meter van haar af zitten trek ik gewoon niet.
Na de intake bij de balie, waarbij ik me nog bijna in haar geboortejaar vergis (en dat heeft ze gehoord, helaas, dat ga ik nog om m’n oren krijgen) mogen we al gestaag naar het volgende station: de operatiekamer.

De operatiekamer oogt als een gezellige en ruime kinderkamer met een reusachtige zee-schildering aan de muren. Dankbaar laten we ons afleiden. Dolfijntjes en octopussen glimlachen bemoedigend en ook van de grijs geschilderde pijlstaartrog gaat een heilzame werking uit. Het enige wat ietwat detoneert in deze kamer zijn de levensechte zuurstofflessen met een wirwar aan snoeren naast haar kolossale ziekenhuisbed. Je zou toch denken dat het rust geeft, een paar van die saai grijze flessen levensadem naast je in zo’n diepzeekamer. Ik vond het alarmerend.
Ronduit lief was het zorgpersoneel dat in- en uitliep. H. kreeg een verdovende witte crème op haar lip. Halloween-waardig, kan niet anders zeggen. De chirurg liet nog op zich wachten, “hij is nog even bezig” zeiden ze. Nog even bezig… Knap toch, hoe zo’n futiel zinnetje gelijk je verbeeldingskracht teistert.

En intussen ligt je dochter ongevraagd vampier te wezen. “Kijk H., roep ik omstandig, “we kunnen nog wat lezen!” Ze houdt helemaal niet van lezen, maar je moet toch wat. Gretig pak ik een boekje uit de vitrinekast. Het blijkt een prentenboek voor nul tot driejarigen. “Er liggen ook Duckies, mam”, antwoordt ze bedaard. Ik vind er inderdaad drie uit 2018. Ze laat ze links liggen, want haar oog valt op iets anders. “Kijk!” wijst ze, “Koekjes!” Ze heeft het over een boekje van Van Lieshout en Posthuma. Ze ziet het liggen en ze vindt het maar wat raar dat ik het niet ken. “OMG, dit boekje las ik vroeger heel vaak op school!” Verwonderd kijk ik haar aan. Ik heb deze dochter niet eerder opgetogen zien worden van een boek met letters. “Hoe goed ken ik haar eigenlijk?” vraag ik me af. Ik ga bij haar zitten en sla het boekje open. Wij lezen nooit samen, maar vandaag lezen we samen. Een abnormale dag.

Toen de koek op was en het boekje uit en de chirurg “nog steeds bezig”, bood een kaartspel soelaas. Het waren er twee, met rode en blauwe achterkant, maar door elkaar gehusseld. Dankbaar sloegen we aan het sorteren. Een beetje orde in een pak kaarten, het voelde als controle en dat was heerlijk. We gingen 31’en, een spelletje wat ik rond m’n 13e eindeloos speelde met mijn nichtje. Zo levendig als toen wilde het niet worden. Dochter stelde voor te gaan pesten. Prima. Ik stond al op ramkoers met 2x ‘zeven blijft kleven’ en dan pestkaart 2 erbovenop, maar dat bleef haar bespaard, want wie kwam daar eindelijk binnen: Dokter Philip.

Dokter Philip was jong. In mijn ogen zelfs nog te jong om in een doktersroman te flaneren, maar toch bezat hij al die natuurlijke ‘gewichtigheid’, de aura van veel specialisten. Ik denk even aan mijn oma Marietje van Dam, die me dikwijls vertelde over haar doktersontzag: “Kind, als vroeger een arts de kamer binnenkwam, dan kwam God binnen.” We borgen de pestkaarten snel op, waarna de dokter kon starten met zijn ‘gepest’: de verdovingsprikken.
Daar lag ze. En wat zat ik ver. Minstens twee meter. Ik zag aan het op en neer gaan van haar buik, wanneer het pijn deed. Wilde van alles naar haar roepen, al mijn ‘duik in je wee’-ervaringen vertellen, haar yogatechnieken aanleren voor deze eindeloze paar minuten. Ik hield me in en toen ik dat niet meer hield zei ik: “Je doet ’t goed hoor, H, je doet ’t hartstikke goed.”
Na de verdovingsellende kwam het dichtnaaien. Mijn oog werd er naar toegezogen, het liefst had ik er met mijn neus bovenop gestaan, wat een fascinerende aangelegenheid. Vlees en huid werden weer strakgetrokken met draadje en schaartje. Aards en surreëel tegelijk. Ze naaiden mijn dochter…

Ze waren lief voor haar. En prezen haar rust en overgave. Al snel was de klus geklaard. En weer kreeg ze een ander aangezicht. Alsof de Botox in de aanbieding was, wat een gigantische onderlip. “God”, dacht ik, “wat hou ik van d’r.”

We namen afscheid van Dokter Philip en zijn gevolg. Maar niet voor lang. Volgende week mogen we weer bij hem op bezoek. In de tussentijd zal haar planning zijn verrijkt met driemaal daags tien milliliter antibiotica. Ze zal worden aangestaard op school. We zien ineens een voordeel van een mondkapje. Ze drinkt met een rietje en heeft een neiging tot kwijlen. En een aantal letters van het alfabet komen wat onhandig over haar lippen. Maar als dát het is…

“Ben je boos op Ralfy?” vraag ik haar.
Nee, schudt ze.
“Ben je bang voor Ralfy?”
Weer nee.
“Weet je hoe je ervoor kunt zorgen, dat dit niet weer gebeurt?”
Ze kijkt naar mij. Ze kijkt naar de hond.
“Ja” zegt ze.

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