30 april, Coronisch Tijdperk V – ONTPLOFFINGEN

30 april, Coronisch Tijdperk V – ONTPLOFFINGEN

De trap in ons huis verraadt alles. Hij vertelt je niet alleen wie erop loopt, maar als je goed luistert ook zijn of haar gemoedstoestand. Ik zit boven in de werkkamer, het land van rust. Iemand op de trap… mijn jongste van acht… – ik luister – … er is onweer op komst.
De deur vliegt open. Daar staat ze: rood en stomend. Dat ik mijn moederrol voor een paar uur op ‘stil’ heb gezet, doet niet ter zake. Jij Bent De Moeder, zegt ze en daar heeft zij geen tekst voor nodig. Ik zucht in- en uitwendig: “Wat is er aan de hand?” vraagt De Moeder.

Dikke tranen wellen op in haar ogen. Dat is trouwens een prachtig beeld. Een oog dat gevuld raakt met emotioneel vocht is van verbluffende schoonheid. Los natuurlijk van de context, een ogenblik later ben ik weer volledig uitgeZOOMd, als mijn jongste met de klaagzang start. “Nou,” begint ze, haar ogen overstromen inmiddels, “ik had met potlood in H. d’r wiskundeschrift ‘Pimool’ geschreven en nou heeft zij ‘Pimool’ mét PEN (de toon gaat hier omhoog, evenals het volume) op de voorkant van mijn spellingsboek geschreven.” “Wat vervelend” zeg ik, ook tegen mezelf. “En… waar is papa dan?” Papa zit doordeweeks vier dagen in deze oase, ik slechts één. “Papa is er niet” vertelt ze me. “Die is boodschappen doen.”

De trap verraadt dat wij beiden naar beneden komen, verhaal halen bij de middelste. Zal ze mee gaan ontploffen? Of zal ze gelaten zwijgen? Meer smaken lijken er niet te bestaan. Waarom ze het heeft gedaan? De eerste keer dat ik het vraag ‘skipt’ ze me. Bij de tweede keer worden er schouders op gehaald. “Gewoon.” Als ik toch door blijf drammen om tekst en uitleg, hoor ik dat ze het ‘gewoon’ even harder terug wilde doen. Zo doet haar broer het toch ook? “Als ik hem sla, slaat hij mij 10 keer zo hard terug.” Dat ik dit niet ‘gewoon’ vind, boeit haar niet. Dat zegt ze nog net niet hardop (dat duurt nog een klein jaar, schat ik). De praktische ethiek erbij dan maar: “Dit zou jij toch ook niet leuk vinden als zij dit bij jou…” Ze kijkt me verveeld aan. Ze weet het best, zeggen haar ogen, maar hier in huis is ’t gewoon… Gewoon.

Hier in huis, hier in huis?! Wat is dat toch ‘hier in huis’? Waarom moeten er andere leefregels, omgangsvormen gelden dan buitenshuis? Buitenshuis is er al het ‘nieuwe normaal’ en dan binnenshuis dealen met… ja wat? Het ‘nieuwe gewoon’?! Niks gewoon, zeer Ongewoon, vind ik. Maar ik hoor bij de minderheid…

‘Duivelse dilemma’s’ noemt onze regering al het leed dat veroorzaakt wordt door alle verboden die er heersen. De kwijnende ouderen en verstandelijk beperkten en lichamelijk beperkten en de vluchtelingen. Zij die afhankelijk zijn betalen de hoogste prijs. Maar we doen het. We gehoorzamen aan de regels. Niet vanuit ons hart, wel vanuit ons verstand. Zo ziet ons landsbestuur het graag, dat wij, het volk verstandig is. Onze liberale premier leunt in grote mate op onze redelijkheid.
En daar heb je het. Bij ons thuis (godzijdank) geen duivelse dilemma’s, maar wel een ander hels karwei: redelijk blijven. In onze vijfkoppige samenleving is er tegenwoordig namelijk altijd wel ééntje onredelijk. Of twee. Of drie (doemscenario). Dan kun je afspraken maken wat je wilt, regels handhaven, je beleid desgewenst versoepelen, maar Sterker nog: alleen al consensus krijgen over wat ‘redelijk’ is, is een hoofdpijndossier. Een van de laatste ontploffingen tussen mij en mijn zoon – een soort illegaal vuurwerk – ging daarover: “Hier wil ik nog op terugkomen!” schreeuwde mijn zoon tegen het eind van ontploffing 1 en ik schreeuwde terug: “Dat lijkt me heel goed!” We parkeerden ons meningsverschil tot bij het avondeten. De start was in rust, maar we trokken op alsof het een acceleratierace was van Bugatti versus Tesla. Na zo’n 2,5 seconden stond mijn zoon op de spreekwoordelijke 100: “Mama, je bent Onredelijk!” Ik haalde ’m in: “Ik Onredelijk? JIJ bent Onredelijk!!” Harder en harder ging ik, brieste over verschillende perspectieven, namelijk smalle (hij) en brede (ik), bulderde over geen vertrouwen (ik in hem). Het slotakkoord kwam van onze jongste die met haar vingers in haar oren de geluidsbarrière overtrof met KOP DICHT, JULLIE MOETEN HET GOEDE VOORBEELD GEVEN!

Dat ons gezin explosief is, is niet Coronisch. Dat wij zo frequent ontploffen wel. Het is een mijnenveld. “Thuis laat je je hondje uit” is een ‘eigen’wijsheid van mijn lieve Bizonpartner. Welnu, ons huis is inmiddels doordrenkt van smerige pisluchten en dampende hondenkak.

Waar al die onmin vandaan komt? Echt, ik zou er een boek over kunnen schrijven! Maar het gaat nérgens over. Ja, over de meest futiele zaken. Wie bijvoorbeeld als eerste de Donald Duck mag lezen, over het neuriën van een deuntje (zoon kan zijn zus en zijn moeder hier waanzinnig mee maken), over geen balletjes gooien binnen, omdat de honden dan de tent afbreken. Over niet aan tafel komen als het eten op tafel staat. Over te vroeg van tafel gaan als we nog niet klaar zijn. Over waar de scheidslijn zich onder tafel zou moeten bevinden voor ons voetenwerk. Over remsporen in de wc-pot… Over alles, maar dan ook alles valt bij ons te twisten. Dat is misschien niet erg. Als je het kan bespreken, is er niks aan de hand. Maar iedereen pakt bij ons gelijk z’n mitrailleur.

“Maar ‘Pimool’“, zegt hun vader ‘s avonds na ’t avondeten, “dat is een grapje, neem ik aan?” Jongste en middelste beginnen te giebelen. “Want je weet wel hoe je het schrijft, toch?” Kom op zeg, natuurlijk weten ze dat! Dit is bedoeld: “Voor als je de juf wil pesten en dat je het dan zo verkeerd opschrijft dat ze denkt dat het geheimschrift is,” aldus de jongste. Jaja.
“Maar hoe schrijf je het dan?” polst vader toch nog even. De jongste spelt: “P – I – M – E – L .” Het is even stil. Jongste én middelste kijken ons glanzend aan. Hoewel dit woord in schooldictees waarschijnlijk niet gauw zal worden getoetst, bekruipt mij een falend gevoel. Tot zover de vijf weken thuisonderwijs. 
Eén meevaller: onze oudste heeft hier niks van meegekregen. Hij zit alweer achter zijn computer een of andere ‘flag’ te ‘capturen’. Anders had hij dit futiele foutje breed uitgemeten. Héél breed. Zó breed, dat de boel gelijk weer was ontploft…

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