20 april, Coronisch Tijdperk IV – STOM

20 april, Coronisch Tijdperk IV – STOM

De jongste: “Waarom jij papa toch hebt uitgekozen, dát begrijp ik niet?”
Ik: “Nee?”
De jongste: “Nee, jullie zijn zo verschillend.”
Ik: “Oh ja, zijn wij zo anders?”
De jongste: “Nou, in één ding zijn jullie wel hetzelfde.”
Ik ben oprecht benieuwd.
“Ja,” vervolgt ze, “jullie zijn allebei stom.”

Ik waarschuw maar vast. Dit wordt een stom stukje. Alles is stom. Dat klinkt heel puberaal en dat is het ook. Mijn zoon van veertien zegt de hele dag door hoe stom hij alles vindt: uiteraard alles aangaande zijn zusjes, natuurlijk ook de stukjes die ik schrijf (“Heb je niet wat beters te doen met je leven?”), mijn theaterwerk in ’t algemeen en vooral in het bijzonder, zoals de filmpjes die ik maak voor de digi-taaltheaterlessen voor vluchtelingen. Maar ook een vrouw op het journaal is stom als ze uitlegt hoe moeizaam haar werk in de evenementenbranch is geworden door Corona (“Ze heeft gewoon stom werk gekozen.”). Ik hoor mezelf nog tegen hem zeggen: “Morgen ga ik ’es turven hoe vaak jij ‘stom’ zegt.” Maar het is besmettelijk. Ik, de puber van vierenveertig, vind het nu ook.

Alles is stom. Ik vind de gewone wereld stom, omdat ie nu niet meer gewoon is, ik vind de digitale wereld stom, omdat ik die niet begrijp, ik vind mijn kinderen stom, omdat ze ellendige spiegels zijn, die me continu confronteren met een persoon, die ik nog wel het stomste vind van allemaal: ikzelf.
Dag in dag uit zit ik met mezelf. Zoals iedereen, dat weet ik ook wel. Maar ik ben klaar met mezelf. Vooral deze week. Bah. Ik word geacht van alles en iedereen afstand te houden, maar wat zou het fijn zijn om eens anderhalve meter van mezelf vandaan te blijven. Heerlijk. Even niet dat stomme hoofd, met die stomme gedachtes. Gewoon die draaikolk bezien van gepaste afstand en er niks mee hoeven. Me ervan afwenden of er alleen een steelse blik op werpen en dan weer door. Zo doen we dat toch, tegenwoordig?!

“We hebben het ermee te doen,” zeg ik notabene zélf tegen iedereen. Terwijl ik het gevoel krijg dat de rest van de stad zich erbij neer heeft gelegd, blijf ik nog in het theatergevoel hangen. Bijna met weemoed denk ik terug aan hoe we in het begin onwennig giebelden naar elkaar met een ‘sorry dat ik zo doe, maar het moet’-gevoel. Aan de pretjes die ik had met winkelpersoneel, omdat ik nog niet helemaal door had of ik nou juist wel of juist niet op het getapete kruis moest staan. Dat ik hen bijna uitgelaten toeriep: “Voedt me maar op, hoor, zeg maar hoe u mij hebben wil.” Ze hebben me opgevoed. Net als iedereen.
We zijn het gewend nu om in bochten om elkaar heen te lopen, om hard te lopen met mondkapjes op, om pijlen te volgen in de kledingwinkels en plastic handschoentjes te vinden in het zwerfafval. Ik vind dat de voorstelling te lang duurt, in herhaling valt. Ik weet dat ik moet blijven kijken, dat ik zelfs mee moet doen (ik ben toch zo van het interactieve theater?). En ik doe het ook. Ik zie ook dat er bijna geen publiek meer is. We hebben het gezien, we vonden het lachwekkend absurd, we zijn er verdrietig van geworden, we waren allemaal van slag. En nu doen we gewoon mee. Ik neem het niemand kwalijk. Zeker niet. Ik vind het juist stom dat ik er maar niet aan wen. Dat het me blijft raken, dat stomme gele anderhalvemeter-bord in het park.

Een overgevoelig typje. Daar is wellicht nog begrip voor op te brengen. Niet doen, onschuldig ben ik niet. Ik ben echt fout geweest. Falend leiderschap is de reden dat ik nu helemáál klaar ben met mezelf: mijn eigen gemaakte wormenhotel is naar de gallemiezen! Vermoord heb ik ze niet, maar dood door schuld is me zeker aan te rekenen. Arme, onschuldige, hersenloze wezens die ‘goud’ maken van ons afval. Heb ik omgebracht. Mijn zoon vindt het stom, vooral gênant dat ik zo melodramatisch doe. Ik vind het stom dat ik mijn mooie koninkrijk heb verwoest. Prachtige tijgerwormen. Ze waren zo lekker bezig. In het hotel. En zij gaven me het gevoel dat ik lekker bezig was, lekker met mijn handen in hun vruchtbare poep, een stadsmens die verbinding houdt met de natuur. Maar wat deed ik? Ik heb ze laten stikken, letterlijk. Ik heb ze overvoerd, waardoor zuurstofkanalen waren dichtgeslibd. Zoals patiënten op de IC snakken naar zuurstof en creperen door Corona, zo crepeerden honderden wormen in mijn achtertuin. Door mij. Ik weet hoe STOM het is om zo’n vergelijking te trekken, maar mijn hoofd doet het, mijn stomme hoofd doet het! Strontchagrijnig ben ik ervan.

De restanten van het land van mijn onderdanen heb ik leeggekieperd in ons achter- en voortuintje. “Het ruikt naar boerderij”, zegt mijn middelste mild.

Weet je hoe gemakkelijk je weer kan beginnen met een wormenbak? Ik app mijn buurvrouw en ik sjok met een bakje naar haar huis. Ik weet niet of ik binnen mag komen, dus ik zet mijn bakje bij haar voordeur. Tot mijn verrassing mag ik binnenkomen. Ik loop naar haar tuin en daar krijg ik een schepje van haar huisdieren mee. Zij is ook milieubewust, zoals ik, maar dan écht.
Pfff… Alsof Mark Rutte opnieuw zou mogen beginnen na zo’n catastrofe.

Zoon: “Mama!”
Hij staat buiten, in de voortuin. Ik zit binnen.
“Het stinkt hier echt verschrikkelijk!”
Hij verheft zijn stem nog eens extra. Over gênant gesproken.
“Mama, gatverdamme! Je hebt onze tuin verpest!”
Ik hoor hem, net als iedereen op het hof.
“Echt, je bent debiel in je hoofd!”

20 april 2020

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