Ik geef een klein feestje voor onderstaande tekst. Hij is vandaag een jaar oud. Ik weet nog als de dag van gister dat ie was geboren. Tijd staat niet stil. En wij meestal ook niet. Tekst wel. Vorig jaar schreef ik deze tekst, voor de herdenking op Moederdag, we stonden bij het graf. Nu zitten we thuis. En ik herdenk, met dezelfde woorden:
MOEDERDAG
Twee moeders zijn er niet meer. Al een tijdje.
Twee moeders, die nog zo veel meer waren: zussen, tantes, oma’s.
En als je in onze harten kon kijken, zou je zien wat ze nog meer waren.
Betekenden.
Daar staan we nu bij stil.
Ik vind het mooi en bijzonder.
Ik vind het ook lastig.
Want stilstaan bij wie jullie waren, Ciel en Fon, roept ook pijn op, verdriet, leegte.
De pijn dat jullie er niet meer zijn.
We hebben jullie dood te accepteren. Of we willen of niet. De ene dag, week, maand, lukt dat beter dan de andere. Het is een heel proces. Jullie kunnen er dan niet meer zijn, toch ‘dealen’ we nog met jullie. En zijn we (bewust of onbewust) soms nog erg met jullie bezig. Of bezig met wegdrukken van jullie verlies. Want verdriet en pijn, wat kun je ermee? Rouw maakt soms eenzaam. Ieder heeft zijn of haar eigen proces. De één heeft er meer vrede mee dan de ander, of kan beter loslaten. Rouw komt soms ook rauw op je dak. Dan heb je net een paar vrolijke maanden gehad en ineens … daar ga je dan weer…
Het staan hier bij het graf met elkaar, vind ik mooi en pijnlijk.
Hier liggen jullie, maar we weten allemaal dat jullie hier niet meer liggen.
Dé Fon en Ciel die we kenden, spraken, omhelsden, haatten en liefhadden, zijn niet hier.
Hier hebben we jullie lichaam achtergelaten, zo’n anderhalf en twee jaar geleden. Maar jullie zijn vertrokken naar god-weet-waar?
We horen jullie niet meer aan de telefoon, over de mail, we kunnen niet meer naar jullie toe, jullie niet meer zien in bed of voor de televisie.
Als we jullie willen ‘zien’, moeten we naar foto’s kijken, in ons hoofd zoeken naar herinneringen of dromen we onaangekondigd over jullie en zijn jullie weer verdwenen als de ochtend aanbreekt.
Ja dat “écht weg” zijn, dat “nooit meer”, dat is wel een dingetje. Sowieso is doodgaan wel een dingetje.
Het staat ons ook ooit te gebeuren.
En we kunnen dat zien als een monsterachtig kwaad.
Een pijn- en verdrietbezorger voor achterblijvers. En daar boos op zijn of bang voor zijn.
Maar laten we dat niet doen.
Laten we niet boos zijn dat Fon & Ciel er niet meer zijn.
Want het feit dat zij er Nooit Meer zullen zijn – die pijn – die geeft aan hoe bijzonder het was, dat zij er waren.
Het bijzondere van Leven bestaat, omdat de Dood bestaat.
Laten we onze herinneringen, foto’s en dromen over Fon & Ciel koesteren. Ook al waren ze niet allemaal even fijn.
Ze zijn wel bijzonder.
Laten wij elkaar koesteren.
We leven nog
En hopen dat nog een tijdje vol te houden.
Maar eens liggen wij daar ook.
In een graf.
Dus het is ontzettend bijzonder, dat we hier mogen en kunnen staan met elkaar.
En mogen denken aan twee bijzondere levens
van twee bijzondere vrouwen, Cily en Fonneke,
die oma’s waren, tante’s waren, zussen waren,
die moeders waren
En nog heel veel meer.
En die voor altijd zitten
in ons hart.”
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